Painful writing & joyful memories

It is perhaps a little painful to wrote about Gregor. After all his decision to die is going to be difficult and always an open question until we depart ourselves. As I have explained to some of you during the ceremony, Gregor's decision was tolerated by me, but I did not agree fully with it. My personal believe was that he ought to have tried to continue to live. I have said that to him on the phone and have written to him about this. Given his young age and longs standing diabetes status he would have gad a good chance of a very fast transplant. Of course each operation is difficult and complications can arise but there are people in their 70s getting heart valves and other OPs...

I believe there was something in Gregor's character that closed down to life years ago. After he got out of the Bockcher Virus thing in the 1990s he already told me and probably you that he had only about 15 years. Gregor died almost punctually to that assessment.

Many of the greater decisions he took were perhaps in line with a sort of mental date, this includes the rejection of Laura and getting kids, as well as hi commitment perhaps to his later relationship to Judith and Charly. I wonder if on a subconscious level it was kind of an added bonus that as Gregor died he knew that neither Charly nor Judith would be totally left behind.

My discussions about his death have continued with many people even now. One of my friends who has diabetes as well has friends herself with advanced consequences of diabetes (blindness and kidney failure) state that it is in deed hard to see positively when one feels regularly slightly bad, and in view that transplants as well as dialysis have an expiration point.

We all still wonder if there could have been anything one couyld have said or tried to turn the tide, but we have to accept that a lot has been tried and said, and Gregor still made his own decision.

Gregor decided to die and not try anything against even medical advise of in medicine.
"You can show the horse the water but you can't make it drink, my father used to say"

So he left us, and with it many conversations many moments will remain unsaid and untried. What remains are good and what seems now very precious moments with somebody with a good heart, open mind (except to his own life), and sometimes momentary great pleasure to be with.